By Jared F. Cranke

Publisher

The year 2009 was a whirlwind of the good, the bad and the ugly. As the year finally came to a close, I had the realization that there are so many people I, and probably most of you, could do without in this brand new year. This is just a small list of the top nine.

Tiger Woods: So we found out in December that the great one was swinging more than just a five iron. In fact, he was probably putting from the rough a little more than he should have been. Okay, we get it. He cheated on his wife. Guess what, American public. It happens! I’m not saying it’s right, but do we really need to know the names of all eighteen holes he’s been playing lately? Tiger needs to take a break from golf, like he says he will, and hope the media-crazed people will forget or at least find someone new to focus their ire upon.

Pussy Vampires: Bram Stoker would be rolling over in his grave after watching the latest trend to sweep the entire world. When did vampires become such pussies? Like TV’s Craig Ferguson, I have no interest in watching a vampire movie where the vampires are concerned about someone’s feelings. Vampires are the undead and should be concerned with ripping the throats out of the necks of as many as they can and converting a few deserving souls. Back in the day vampires were cool, but now it seems like these new age vampires are giving teenagers more reasons to commit suicide because Bella or Edward told them to in a wet dream. I should probably blame some of this on Anne Rice and Interview with the Vampire; but if we can start burning books again, I would like to start with the Twilight series.

Sarah Palin: So this is the best our great nation can do for a female Vice-Presidential or, God help us, Presidential candidate? I won’t even talk about her politics, because I don’t think her pundits have figured all of them out for her yet, but this puppet definitely has something stuck up her ass and has to make a zillion television appearances to let us know it. Plus, she wrote a book. Okay, really someone else probably wrote the book but that doesn’t make it any better. I have already accepted the fact that all I will hear about in 2012 is Palin running for President, so please give me 2010 and stay in your frozen tundra while hunting from a helicopter. And wave hello to Russia for me. If you get elected, I may be relocating there. Is there a Moscow Scene Magazine?

Everyone on MTV and VH1: No, I do not want to see your crib, I do not want to work for Diddy and I definitely don’t want to visit the real world of the Jersey shore. When the Real World started on MTV more than 20 years ago, I thought to myself, “This may be the end of civilization as we know it.” For a teenager, I was pretty clairvoyent. Little did I know that this type of programming would dominate the airwaves two decades later with no signs of slowing down. Just the titles of these shows alone evoke an emotive regurgitation that I should only feel on New Year’s Day. For the Love of Ray J, Real Chance at Love, Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew, Bully Beatdown and 16 and Pregnant are just a smattering of what these two cable channels spend 22 hours per day offering the unsuspecting viewer. Wouldn’t it be nice to see an actual music video on here from time to time?

Heidi & Spencer: While MTV, VH1 and other cable channels were busy making normally annoying people famous for no damn reason, these two poster children for birth control kicked the door down and proclaimed to the world, whether they wanted to hear it or not, that they had arrived. Not only have they become the most despised couple on television since Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein (yes, Star magazine linked the two “Americas Most Wanted” as a romantic couple in 2004), but they have even written a book about it. Okay, so Sarah Palin probably wrote their book but that doesn’t make it any better. Heidi thinks she is a talented singer, even though I’ve only seen her lip sync, and Spencer just loves being an ass. They say they love each other,  but as soon as the cameras finally stop pointing at these horrible excuses for animal organisms, I think the honeymoon will be over.

Any Reality Show Singing Contestant: Watch out America, Susan Boyle is fugly and coming this way. In other breaking news: Adam Lambert is gay and going to shove all of our faces into his crotch unless his album goes multi-platinum. As if American Idol wasn’t bad enough, now we have the Singing Bee and Sing Off! Didn’t the fans of AI learn anything from the worthless victories of Ruben Studdard, Fantasia Barrino and Taylor Hicks? Hell, the losers of this show are doing better than the winners and that is just the first sign that something is rotten in Denmark. Now even Paula Abdul can’t take it anymore. The last thing I want to see is Ellen DeGeneres giving Simon Cowell a lap dance heading into the commercial breaks.

Jay Leno: The happiest day of my life in 2004 was when Leno announced he was retiring from late night and handing the reins of the Tonight Show over to Conan O’Brien. What none of us expected was the biggest failure of the Fall 2009 season: The Jay Leno Show. All through most of the spring and summer we were warned it was coming at least three times per hour on any station we were watching. Even Leno himself got sick of the constant promotion. Just think how we felt. And then, the show sucked. It didn’t just suck, it blew! Then it continued to get worse! How do you take away five quality hours of network drama (Okay, maybe not all quality. It is NBC, no doubt!) to put this hack on the air? I hear the WB is going to try the same thing with Carrot Top in 2010. Again, God help us!

The Kardashians: Leave it to the E! Network, the same cable lexicon that had nightly “reenactments” of Michael Jackson’s trial earlier this decade starring Jimmy Kimmel as Jay Leno, to make a family of spoiled brats famous for no freaking reason. Let’s review: Kim is famous for having a big ass and a sex tape (with the aforementioned Ray J of all people), according to Joel McHale of the Soup; Khloe, the fat one, is famous for marrying a Los Angeles Laker; and  Kourtney is famous for getting pregnant out of wedlock and recently having a spawn of her own to turn into a young jackass with his own TV show in 12-15 years. There’s also Kris, the mother, who controls all their lives like a midget Cruella DeVille, and Bruce Jenner, the former Olymipian, who never seems to have a clue about anything. These are the role models our younger generation is looking to now for guidance, and you’re not scared? Repent now and cancel your cable subscription to the E! network!

Jon and Kate Plus Their Eight: Jon Gosselin has made every “most hated” list that can be imagined this year but very few have said much about the great Kate. Don’t get me wrong, Jon is rather douche-like, but Kate seems to me to be a real bitch. I haven’t met a woman so fertile since that one time at Arby’s, but that is no reason to become a celebrity. Congratulations, you have eight obnoxious little brats. You’re not the only ones and there have got to be more deserving parents out there for a show like this. But, sadly, Jon and Kate are national icons now. Remember when being an icon meant you had accomplished something and not just had a cheap camera crew follow you around for a few weeks out of the year. My advice to Jon and Kate, go away, save some of that TLC money for all the therapy your kids will need in the very near future and stop bitching and moaning about every little thing that your former significant other does. Have some dignity for yourself, each other and your children for whom you both obviously care so much.

Honorable Mentions: These people were close to making my list, but came just short of the top nine. Unfortunately, they deserve a good, less-wordy thrwating.

Carrie Prejean, the former Miss California who was later dethroned for being a dirty, whiny whore hiding under the cloak of Christianity. Same sex marriage is inappropriate in her eyes, but masturbating for a video camera multiple times and sending it around is what the bible stands for. I remember that commandment.

Lady Gaga, androgenous pop star deluxe. Call me crazy, but I just don’t like her music. Okay, she makes great dance songs supposedly but all of this chatter about whether or not she’s a man is more irritating than her Poker Face. Even Boy George had the balls to let everyone know he was a guy in women’s clothes when Culture Club was popular and the eighties were a lot less understanding than the 21st century.

Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers, tween pop stars turned megalomaniacal by the Disney world domination machine. Do I have to really explain this one? No, I will not listen to any of their music on principal alone. No, I will not watch their TV shows and/or movies, again, on principal alone. The fact that the Jonas Brothers have a cutesy little nickname like “Jo Bros” is enough reason for me to dislike them. On the other side, Miley Cyrus can’t decide whether she wants to be Hannah Montana or herself is bothersome as well. Thanks, Billy Ray, for pushing this stripe pole-dancing role model onto preteen girls everywhere. The world is a better place for it.

Beyonce, yes another pop star. Fine, I’ll say it. I don’t find anything attractive about her at all. I find her hideous and I don’t get most men’s drool-worthy stares at this weakened and glamorized version of Etta James, Tina Turner and Aretha Franklin all rolled into one narcissitic, overindulging package. The fact that she made the nearly exact same music video for three different songs last year should be a symbol of her lack of creativity but people keep falling for it. And ladies everywhere will be begging for years for their men to “put a ring on it” because of the most annoying song of the year. I am... Sasha Fierced out!

Kanye West, the last of the pop stars I will complain about this year (2009). When he jumped up on the MTV stage, grabbing the microphone away from the victorious Taylor Swift, and proclaimed Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” the best music video of all time was the final straw. Not because of his behavior towards Swift, although that was deplorable as well, but here was this egocentic hack stealing the spotlight from another artist (who at least writes most of her own material) and tying to upstage her. The video being glorified is the same one mentioned above for “Single Ladies” and at least the voters at MTV realized that it was duplicated for two more songs and denied her the prize. In your face, Beyonce! And shut the hell up Kanye!

What will 2010 bring us? More of the same I’m sure, but at least we all, myself included, will have something to bitch and moan about at the end of the year. Happy New Year everyone!